


if we loved again (i'd love you right)

by DefiantDreams



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Break Up, Getting Back Together, M/M, Non-Linear Narrative, Post-Canon, pls trust me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-19
Updated: 2017-06-19
Packaged: 2018-11-15 15:48:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,475
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11234166
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DefiantDreams/pseuds/DefiantDreams
Summary: Viktor and Yuuri break up.(Sometimes, things fall apart to fall into place.)You can not tell Yuuri that maybe he just didn’t love Viktor enough to work through this and work for them, because Yuuri loved Viktor more than anything in the world. That was undeniable. That was fact.But.Yuuri also loved Viktor more than he loved himself, and that hurt him more than anything Viktor could have ever done.





	if we loved again (i'd love you right)

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, so, they fuck up a lot, but eventually, what's meant to be is meant to be and Viktor and Yuuri are soulmates. Happy ending guaranteed.
> 
> If I could describe the experience of writing this, it would be in one word: cathartic. I read a lot of my old love letters and diary entries so I could fully encapsulate how I truly felt at this point in my life (it was painful, if u were wondering). A lot of Yuuri’s inner dialogue are based off those, and a lot of the dialogue between Viktor and Yuuri is taken word for word from conversations during my own breakup and subsequent getting back together with my SO.
> 
> Yuuri’s POV goes forward, Viktor’s POV goes backward.

_February 20, 2017_

“I think we should break up.”

 

\---

 

_February 22, 2017_

"What did the old man do?" Yuri growled and Yuuri squeezed his eyes shut. He let out a shaky breath before he looked up to meet Yuri's gaze. Yuri looked furious and ready to punch a man and Yuuri couldn't help but feel so grateful for him.

"He didn't do anything," Yuuri said softly and Yuri snarled.

"Bullshit, Katsudon!" Yuri gave him an incredulous stare and threw up his arms. "Why the fuck did you guys break up then?"

"We just weren't working anymore," Yuuri said stiffly. He tried to give Yuri a smile but Viktor was always better at that, Yuuri could never fake a smile as easy as Viktor and wasn't that the problem? Yuuri couldn't hide it anymore, couldn't hide how broken he was. "We weren't happy with each other."

"I have _never_ even seen Viktor happy before you," Yuri said vehemently, and the furiousness of it shocked Yuuri silent. He stared at Yuri, unable to say anything in response and Yuri made a frustrated noise at his dumbfounded look.

"Never," Yuri repeated insistently and Yuuri smiled sadly as he looked away. Yuri didn't understand. He never saw how blank Viktor still looked, even with Yuuri. Yuri never saw all those nights where Viktor was so silent and so distant, and Yuuri could only _wish_ that Viktor was sad, so that Viktor would actually look like he was feeling something again instead of nothing.

"This is for the better," Yuuri said, and it hurt to say only because it was true. As much as he loathed to admit it, they were hurting each other more than they were loving each other.

It wasn’t just because of Viktor coaching and competing at the same time--but even that, Yuuri could barely handle, not after the disaster that was Euro’s and that interview of Viktor after Yuuri won gold in Four Continents. It was the nights after long days of training, nights where they could barely do anything but have dinner and sleep. It was the days that Yuuri spent by himself, not because he had to, but because he wanted to be alone and Viktor was _too much_ sometimes. (Yuuri would never say that to Viktor’s face, it would hurt him far too much.)

It was all the stupid fights they’d been having recently, their tempers short from long days and tired bones. It was all the small fights that they _didn’t_ have, but only because Yuuri had been keeping inside all the small hurts that shouldn’t matter, just so he wouldn’t bother Viktor with his irrational, stupid, and unwanted feelings. He had been hiding them until it finally came to the point where he just snapped. He had thought that if he kept it inside of him, kept the anger down, it would disappear and he’d forget about it. Instead, it had built and grew into a monster of resentment and hurt and anger.

It was the passive aggressiveness that the both of them had started to wear like a second skin, and how skating couldn’t communicate for them anymore, but they still tried anyway. They didn’t say a lot of things to each other. They had never even said _I love you_ , aside from Yuuri’s declarations of love to the media and through his skating. Wasn’t that odd? How Yuuri couldn’t find the courage to confess his love to Viktor himself? Yuuri never thought they had to say it because he knew he loved Viktor, and he knew Viktor loved him back.

“So. You’re leaving then,” Yuri stated, his tone painfully flat. It was enough to bring Yuuri out of his reverie and he looked down at his suitcase. “You’re leaving St. Petersburg.”

“I am,” he said simply in reply and met Yuri’s scowl head on. He didn’t have to explain himself and he wasn’t going to. “I’ll see you at Worlds, Yurio.”

“I don’t understand how nothing could have happened between the two of you,” Yuri said petulantly and Yuuri sighed. Viktor didn’t do anything, and wasn’t that the problem? Yuuri needed far too much, and asked for far too little. He couldn’t even give Viktor what he needed, because Yuuri wasn’t what Viktor needed, no matter how much Viktor loved him. Yuri was _16_ , how could Yuuri explain this to him when he barely even understood it himself at 24? How could he ever hope to explain to Yuri that sometimes, relationships just fell apart and that sometimes, love wasn’t enough?

You could not tell Yuuri that maybe he just didn’t love Viktor enough to work through this, and work for them, because Yuuri loved Viktor more than anything in the world. That was undeniable. That was fact.

But.

Yuuri also loved Viktor more than he loved himself, and that hurt him more than anything Viktor could have ever done. There were some things that Yuuri would never tell anyone, much less Yuri, and that was one of them.

 

\--

 

_February 19, 2017_

There are some things that Viktor would never tell anyone, much less Yuri.

“The look on your face is disgusting, old man,” Yuri grumbled. Viktor looked away from the rink, the sappy smile still stuck on his face. Yuri scowled and huffed out, “What are you even thinking about?”

Viktor’s face blanked out for a moment, before a slow smirk came on his lips. He tilted his head, dropping it on the palm of his hand as he regarded Yuri through half-lidded eyes. He raised an eyebrow. “Do you really want to know?”

“Disgusting!” Yuri shrieked at his suggestive tone and moved to hit him. Viktor laughed and blocked it easily, a teasing grin playing on his lips. Viktor would never actually tell Yuri the dirty things he thought about when he thought about Yuuri. But, in his defense, he wasn’t even thinking about that when Yuri had come up beside him. 

Seeing Yuuri on the podium receiving his gold had done things to him, made him feel a mix of things that Viktor couldn’t all quite name. There was pride obviously, but Viktor couldn’t help but feel… something, over his own gold medals. He didn’t miss them, but he couldn’t help but think of them, especially now with his bronze from Euro’s and with Yuuri winning gold now. Viktor still couldn’t tell how he felt about it.

He smiled as Yuuri waved bashfully to the crowd from the top of the podium, Japanese flag wrapped around his shoulders. Yuuri looked so beautiful in gold. It suited him. It looked like it belonged.

“Viktor!”

He looked up, and once he saw the reporter with the camera, an automatic smile came onto his lips, easy as breathing.

“What do you have to say about skater Katsuki’s performance today?”

“Beautiful as always, of course! My Yuuri will never fail to surprise me,” Viktor said cheerfully, hand on his hip as he gestured behind him to the rink. The reporter nodded, before a look came over his face that Viktor had grown to recognize from years and years of media. It was a look that said nothing good, and it automatically got his hackles up. Despite himself, he tensed slightly.

“How does it feel for your student to win gold after you barely made it on the podium during Euro’s?”

Viktor stiffened, his smile twitching. He opened his mouth to reply, but the reporter only kept going, “Some people say that Katsuki has only been distracting you from making your comeback properly and that it was a bad decision for you to decide to coach and skate competitively at the same time.” 

His mouth snapped shut and he narrowed his eyes at the reporter. From beside him, he saw Yuri turn, already bristling like an offended cat. Before Yuri could say anything, Viktor placed a steadying hand on his shoulder, grip tight, and sent a wide smile to the camera.

“I have never regretted my decision,” he lied, straight through his teeth, “I have nothing but pride and happiness for Yuuri right now and I promise you, both of us will be on the podium at Worlds.”

(Later, Yuuri will see this interview, and the look on his face will hurt Viktor so much more than anything a reporter will ever say. He hates disappointing Yuuri, and he hates the thought that maybe, Yuuri is agreeing with all the ugly lies people have been saying. He hates the thought that maybe, Yuuri was expecting him to win gold, but he didn’t.) 

 **IS KATSUKI LEADING TO NIKIFOROV’S DOWNFALL?  
** By Nick Zaeger | February 19, 2017, 10:47 PM

(Gangneung, South Korea) Grand Prix Silver Medalist **Yuuri Katsuki** finished with 320.17 points to win Gold for Japan during the Four Continents Figure Skating Championships. Earlier this season during the European Figure Skating Championship, coach and fiancé **Viktor Nikiforov** garnered a Bronze in a performance with significantly lower points than usual and just barely edging out **Michele Crispino** to the podium.

Despite this, Nikiforov is quoted as saying that he does not regret his decision and has “nothing but pride and happiness for Yuuri right now.” Nikiforov has also promised that both him and Katsuki will be on the podium during the upcoming World’s Figure Skating Championships this March 29 to April 2.

_Read more..._

Comments

 **vikniklove** if Viktor wasn’t spending time coaching Yuuri, he’d be performing so much better. I love Yuuri as much as anyone, but you can’t deny that he’s inconsistent and that Viktor’s a much better skater overall.

 **liveloveskate** tbh I don’t know what to expect for worlds

 

\--

 

_March 22, 2017_

He didn’t know what to expect for Worlds.  

Worlds was in a week, and in a week, Yuuri would have to see Viktor again. It had been a month since he had left St. Petersburg, a month since he had left Viktor behind and along with him, his heart. Yuuri couldn’t help but feel anxious at the thought of being in the same room as his ex-fiancé. He missed Viktor like a lost limb, and no matter what Yuuri did, he couldn’t get Viktor out of his mind. He still had to remind himself that Viktor wasn’t there, and that he couldn’t just text him every time Yuuri saw something that reminded him of Viktor. (Everything reminded him of Viktor.)

“People don’t know that you’ve broken up,” Phichit told him quietly and Yuuri gnawed on his bottom lip nervously. He figured. He couldn’t imagine Viktor announcing it to his thousands of twitter followers, and Yuuri hardly even used his own social media. “But there’s been speculation since news got out that you’re here with me in Bangkok. He still retweets good photos and articles of you though.”

“Really?” Yuuri asked, his heart lurching. Phichit hummed in acknowledgement, his gaze fixed on his phone. 

“He hasn’t deleted your pictures on Instagram either.”

Yuuri winced and looked away, eyes looking at the clean rink in front of them. Honestly, Yuuri wasn’t even sure if he _wanted_ Viktor to delete their photos. “It’s only been a month, I don’t think he’s had the time while preparing for Worlds.”

Phichit gave him a look, his lips thinning. Yuuri avoided his gaze as he bent down to tie his skates. His hands shook but he ignored it. He tried to tie his laces, but his hands were trembling too hard for them to work properly and Yuuri gulped in air. He stared at his fingers and the laces, and tried to will them to work, but his vision only blurred with unshed tears.

“Breathe.” Yuuri heard, a warm hand on his back and Yuuri heaved, a gasping sob escaping him. He let go of his laces. Fuck, he was so useless, he couldn’t even fucking tie his own skates, he was such a fucking mess and it’s better like this, he wasn’t distracting Viktor anymore from what was important but he was distracting _Phichit_ and Yuuri couldn’t do anything right and--

“ _Yuuri_ , breathe.”

Yuuri covered his face with his hands and cried.

“I’m sorry,” he gasped, “I’m sorry, I just, _I miss him_ .” Yuuri missed Viktor so much it physically hurt him, and his longing tasted acrid in his mouth. All he wanted was to be by Viktor’s side. Why did Viktor still look so okay in his selfies? Yuuri had been a mess and all he had been doing and all he could do was skate, but all he wanted was _Viktor._ Yet Viktor looked fine.

“Would you get back with Viktor?”

“I don’t know. I mean, we’re exes for a reason. We broke up for a reason.”

“People change.”

“...He didn’t try to stop me, you know? He just… He just agreed when I said I wanted to break up. Maybe he doesn’t want to get back together.”

Yuuri’s had to stop himself from texting Viktor more times than he could even count. The worst part about this wasn’t how he lost his fiancé, it was how he lost his best friend too. He had Phichit of course, but that was different in ways that Yuuri couldn’t quite explain. Phichit wasn’t Viktor.

Yuuri couldn’t help but keep dwelling on Viktor, even as Celestino made them run through their programs over and over and over. Yuuri still kept expecting to see Viktor in the rink with him, watching him. Yuuri could still feel Viktor’s eyes on him even if they were thousands of miles away. 

How could Yuuri skate to their programs without thinking of Viktor? How could he skate to a theme of love without thinking of him? He couldn’t. It was impossible for him not to.

 

\--

 

_January 28, 2017_

How could he skate to a theme of love without thinking of him? He couldn’t. It was impossible for him not to.

Viktor’s theme for the season wasn’t quite love, but it was _because_ of love, and still, Viktor couldn’t skate it without thinking of Yuuri. His theme was Renewal, and Viktor wanted the world to know that Yuuri had renewed him and that his time away from skating had only inspired him.

Viktor had been planning his programs for months now, even while he had been training Yuuri. Maybe he should have taken that as a sign that he did want to get back to the ice and that he was always thinking of coming back to competitive skating, but what’s done was done. Although he wasn’t able to have his return during the Russian Nationals or commission songs, he was ready now to show the world how much Katsuki Yuuri had changed him and changed his skating.

His [ Short Program ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cTmKRLLcr8o) was the first step for that, and the piece he had chosen was meant to show the new love that being with Yuuri had made him feel and experience. For the first time in a long time, as Viktor skated to the center of the ice, he felt excited. He hasn’t been excited about a program in so long. Everything had been an endless routine. Train, skate, win, eat, sleep, repeat.

Viktor closed his eyes, and skated.

 

 

 

 

“How do you feel about your performance today, Viktor?”

“Great!” Viktor said cheerfully, “I’m so happy to dedicate this program to the love of my life, Yuuri Katsuki. I hope everyone can tell how much I love him.”

“Well, I certainly could,” the reporter drawled and Viktor beamed.

 

 

 

 

Viktor didn’t win gold.

Viktor stood on the lowest step of the podium, an odd feeling in his chest that he couldn't quite name. Chris was in the middle, the gold medal around his neck and a look of pleased disbelief on his face, and Yuri was standing on his other side. There was a disgruntled, displeased look on Yuri’s face that Viktor could guess was due to his underperformance. Viktor was sure that Yuri could have won gold, and Viktor ~~should~~ could have won gold too.

But for now, Viktor will smile for the cameras, as expected, and congratulate his friend.

He was still coming to terms with his medal when the award ceremony finally ended but finally, he was skating back to Yuuri and Yakov.

“Yuuri!” Viktor beamed as he put on his skate guards and made his way to his fiancé. There was an odd look on Yuuri’s face that makes Viktor pause midstep. Yuuri saw the pause, and immediately pasted a smile onto his face. 

“Vitya,” Yuuri said softly as he closed the gap between the two of them. He tiptoed to press their lips together, height difference made even starker with Viktor’s skates, and Viktor smiled against Yuuri’s lips.

Yuuri didn’t congratulate him, and maybe that should have been Viktor’s first clue that things weren’t right, but Viktor didn’t quite understand yet how he felt about his bronze medal. He was happy with his performance, especially of his short program, but… It’s not that Viktor needed to win, but he had expected it.

Winning had made Viktor feel like he was drowning but Viktor hadn't even realized he _was_ drowning until he finally had a breath of fresh air. He had been drowning in a pool of gold medals and the masks that he created for himself and he didn't even _know_ until Yuuri danced his way into his life. _Look_ , he seemed to say, _there's so much more_. What about love? What about life?

20 years in the spotlight had changed him in ways that Viktor could barely even name.

Here was the thing about fame. Fame had turned him into a chameleon, made it necessary for him to become whatever it was the people around him wanted, what they expected. People expected him to surprise until eventually, the only way he could surprise them was to not be surprising. Viktor had fallen into a trap of his own creation, a never ending charade and facade of the person they expected him to be. He had created a narrative of the Living Legend, and no one, not even him, knew how the Living Legend would end.

Viktor no longer wanted to be the Living Legend.

When Viktor had asked Yuuri all those months ago what Yuuri wanted him to be, Yuuri had told him to be himself. But who was Viktor? His personality was so dependent on others, that alone, who was he? What was he? He was nothing. If you take away the gold medals and the fame and the skating, what was he? He was _nothing_. Viktor's worth was equal to his victories, but at the same time, with each win, Viktor felt less and less.

Viktor had only been starting to discover who he was without all that--without the fame, without the medals. They mattered so little to him in comparison to Yuuri. But how could Viktor be himself without that, if Yuuri apparently wasn’t happy with him if he wasn’t winning gold?

He couldn't.

The silence between them in their hotel room that night said more than anything Yuuri could have actually said. Yuuri was right there, but Viktor missed him.

 

\---

 

_March 30-April 1, 2017_

Yuuri missed him.

The moment their eyes met from across the room, Yuuri had to swallow down an immediate, intense pang of longing. Yuuri couldn’t find it within himself to break their gaze, and he couldn’t understand what he saw in Viktor's eyes.

Before they broke up, Viktor had always been so expressive. Yuuri didn't know how he could have ever mistaken the facade of a smile that Viktor used to put on for the media as a real one. After living with Viktor for a whole year, you couldn't help but learn the differences from his real smiles and his fake ones. Yuuri always prided himself in being able to tell, in being able to see Viktor, but now? Viktor's gaze was as unreadable as it was intense. Yuuri could feel himself free fall into them, losing parts of himself once more in Viktor's eyes.

A light touch on his elbow drew him out of his reverie and reluctantly, Yuuri looked away from the depths of Viktor's gaze.

"Yuuri?" Phichit asked worriedly and Yuuri's lips part soundlessly as he stares into Phichit’s warm brown eyes. "Are you okay?"

Yuuri forced a smile onto his face. 

"I'm fine."

From the tightening of Phichit's lips, Yuuri knew that Phichit didn't quite believe him.

Phichit opened his mouth to say something, but he suddenly tensed, grip tightening on Yuuri's elbow as he looked at something beyond Yuuri.

Yuuri looked up to see what Phichit was looking at, dread suddenly filling him because who else could it be but--

"Vitya," Yuuri choked out before he cut himself off abruptly. He clenched his jaw before he pasted on a shaky smile. "Viktor," he continued, correcting himself because he didn't, he couldn't call Viktor 'Vitya' anymore, he didn't deserve to have something so intimate pass through his lips.

Something flashed in Viktor's eyes then, and Yuuri didn't want to call it hurt but it was. Wasn't that stupid? He broke up with Viktor so Viktor would be happier without him, and yet... And yet, Yuuri was still hurting him.

"I just wanted to say good luck," Viktor said stiffly, and smiled at him. Yuuri tried to smile back, but his lips couldn't cooperate and his chin wobbled dangerously against his will. Viktor's smile was all wrong, nothing like the smiles that Yuuri used to get, but something similar to the smiles that Viktor would give him in the days right before their break up.

"Good luck to you too," Yuuri replied shakily and Viktor's smile faltered, just for a second, before the mask and the wall was back up, almost as if it was never gone. As if Yuuri couldn’t tell. Yuuri didn’t know what hurt more, Viktor faking it and honestly thinking that Yuuri wouldn’t be able to tell after everything they’ve been through, or Viktor knowing that Yuuri could see right through it and faking it anyway. It’s only been around a month since they’ve broken up, and yet...

Viktor walks away from him, and Yuuri can’t blame him. It was already awkward to begin with, and being in each other’s presence for even a minute longer would have just thrown Yuuri off his game. Yuuri couldn’t handle seeing any more of Viktor before his skate, not if he wanted to have the right state of mind to perform Eros. Viktor was good at compartmentalizing and stowing away his nerves, but Yuuri didn’t think even he could still skate cleanly or as well after a prolonged conversation with his ex. Not if Viktor’s heart was even half as heavy as his own.

Only a few hours later, Yuuri was performing Eros. If anyone were to ask him, he’d deny that he still thought of Viktor. He couldn’t not perform Viktor’s program about the night they met without thinking of his ex-fiancé. Eros was desire and sexual love, and Yuuri had never desired anyone or loved anyone like he had loved-- _loves_ \--Viktor. Yuuri had always loved Viktor Nikiforov and he always would. Yuuri couldn’t even remember what it was like to not love Viktor.

He sat down, anxiously debating with himself if he should watch Viktor’s Short Program, and it was only then that he decides that _yes_ , even if it’ll hurt, Yuuri wasn’t going to pass up the chance to watch Viktor skate. When he finally settled into his decision and into his seat, someone sat down beside him.

He looked up, and he freezed at the sight of a familiar red and white jacket.

“Yuuri,” Chris greeted with an easy smile.

“Chris,” Yuuri said in surprise. He looked around him nervously. Why was Chris talking to him? Surely Chris was on Viktor’s side.

“You haven’t been replying to my texts,” Chris pouted as he slung an arm over the back of Yuuri’s seat. Yuuri flushed and looked down at his lap. His hands twisted together nervously and he tensed when Chris squeezed his left shoulder.

“I’m sorry,” he muttered and Chris hummed thoughtfully.

“Any reason why?”

Yuuri shrugged, and he didn’t mean for it to dislodge Chris’ arm off his shoulder, but it did anyway and Yuuri couldn’t say he wasn’t grateful for it.

“You know, I think we’ve been friends long enough for me to know what you’re thinking,” Chris said casually as he easily put his arm back around Yuuri’s shoulder, as if the rejection didn’t affect him at all.

“And what am I thinking?” Yuuri asked, gaze fixed to the rink as the performer before Viktor finished up his program. He couldn’t look at Chris right now. He didn’t want to see what expression Viktor’s best friend had on his face. If Chris said something about Viktor right now, Yuuri couldn’t guarantee that he wasn’t going to run. 

“Tell me. How long have we known each other?” Chris asked, and it was nothing that Yuuri expected. He looked up and frowned thoughtfully as he considered the question.

“I don’t know. 7 years, I guess?” He said uncertainly. Before Chris had moved up to Seniors, they had been somewhat friends in Juniors. Chris raised an eyebrow at him, and smirked.

“You’re my friend too, Yuuri. I’m not just Viktor’s friend.”

Yuuri opened his mouth, and closed it. His eyes slid away and from the corner of his vision, he could see Chris’ face soften. Chris removed his arm from around Yuuri’s shoulder and slid his hand to Yuuri’s forearm to squeeze it gently. Chris had always been a tactile sort of guy, and Yuuri knew that Chris was trying to comfort him but all Yuuri wanted was to watch Viktor then go back to his hotel room and maybe cry. 

“Representing Russia: Viktor Nikiforov!”

Yuuri straightened up and Chris leaned away from him to settle into his seat.

There was silence, and then the [ music ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cTmKRLLcr8o) started. Viktor moved.

Instantly, it was like a bucket of cold water had been poured over him. Yuuri stared, frozen at Viktor’s blatant display of their broken relationship.

It hurt to watch. It was every night Yuuri spent brimming with unsaid unhappiness while they were still together. It was every night Yuuri cried himself to sleep the past month they’ve been apart.

_“You're cold, maybe you just missed the sun_

_You fall, feeling like it’s just begun_

_So far, keeping it together's been enough_

_Look up, rain is falling, looks like love”_

It used to sound so sweet before, but watching Viktor skate it now, it couldn’t be anything but the anthem of a broken hearted man. If Stammi Vicino was the song of a man begging his lover not to leave, this was the song of the man who had already been left.

“You know,” Chris said quietly, “The way Viktor skated it in Euro’s was so different from anything I’ve ever seen him skate before.”

Yuuri tensed. “I know. It wasn’t a gold medal performance, yes.”

Chris turned to him then, head snapping in a movement that should have induced whiplash.

“I’ve never seen him skate a piece and truly _feel_ it,” Chris said tersely. “He has never received a PCS as high as he did then. We both know how well Viktor can play a persona, but he has never lived it like he had then. I haven’t seen him smile on the ice the way he did during Euro’s for _years_ , Yuuri."

Yuuri stayed silent, his shoulders tight with an emotion he couldn’t quite name. He couldn’t look away from the beautiful trainwreck that was Viktor’s performance. Viktor wasn’t flying like he did during Euro’s, wasn’t buoyed by how light he felt. It looked like he was jumping away from what the world had to offer, and protecting himself in vain. His TES was incredible, much cleaner than months ago but…  After what Chris had to say, Yuuri couldn’t help but stare at the mournful expression that stayed on Viktor’s face, long after the performance.

He couldn’t help but notice the tears on Viktor’s face when he finished performing.

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Why would you skate it like that?" Yuuri asked angrily, the moment Viktor closed the door of the locker room behind him. Viktor jolted, his eyes widening at the sight of Yuuri. Yuuri was practically vibrating in anger as he stalked towards Viktor, and Viktor didn’t make any move to move away. He stayed stock still near the door, a trapped expression on his face.

“That program was _never_ meant to be skated like that,” Yuuri told him quietly, and he can’t hide the edge in his tone. Viktor’s eyebrows drew in together, his lips pursing as he looks down at Yuuri.

 “I _know_ ,” Viktor said and Yuuri’s face scrunched up in frustration as he grabbed the front of Viktor’s jacket to push him against the door. Viktor’s hands automatically come up to hold onto his fists and Yuuri’s eyes watered.

“Then why?” he asked desperately, “Why would you skate it like that?”

“How could I not?” Viktor asked in disbelief. “We broke up, Yuuri, I haven’t--” Viktor cut himself off with a frustrated noise and dropped his head. Yuuri was near enough to him for their heads to press together, and Yuuri didn’t know why he did it, didn’t know why all sensible thought had left him. All he knew was that suddenly, he was leaning up and they were kissing, and it was like coming home.

Viktor kissed him back, a tinge of desperation in his kisses, in the slick slide of his tongue against Yuuri’s. Yuuri gasped against Viktor’s lips, and he pulled away but Viktor pulled him back in, tilting his head and deepening the kiss. Viktor’s hands were tight around his waist as if he couldn’t bear to let Yuuri go, and Yuuri wanted to scream. _You let me leave, you didn’t fight for us, you didn’t ask me to stay._

_“I think we should break up.”_

_“I… If that’s what you want.”_

Yuuri’s arms were wrapped around Viktor’s neck, his eyes closed as he savored the feel of Viktor’s lips against his. Fuck, he missed this and he missed Viktor but he _shouldn’t_.

 They part after a minute, an hour, Yuuri doesn’t know, but they’re inches apart again and Yuuri never wanted to leave.

“We can’t do this,” Viktor whispered, his eyes slipping closed, grip tightening around Yuuri. “I don’t want to hurt you again.”

Yuuri tried not to cry as he clenched at the fabric of Viktor’s jacket. “No matter what I do, people are going to hurt me. I’d rather be hurt by you than anyone else.”

Viktor made a sound and his hands came up to gingerly cup Yuuri’s cheeks. “Don’t say that,” he murmured, and he hesitated just for a second, before he pressed a gentle kiss to both of Yuuri’s cheeks. “You don’t deserve to be hurt at all. You deserve love.”

 _You deserve love._ Does he? Does he, really?

"Watch me tomorrow. Don't take your eyes off me."

 

 

 

 

  

 

Yuuri touches down on the quad flip.

Viktor wins gold.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Don’t you see?” Yuuri said softly as he gestured meaningfully at the gold medal around Viktor’s neck. Viktor looked down, almost as if he had forgotten that it was there. “You’re so much better without me.”

Viktor’s face twisted, an ugly distortion. Yuuri would have never called anything that Viktor did to his face as ugly, but it was the only way to describe the look on his face at that moment.

“I don’t care about winning gold,” Viktor bit out, soft and dangerous in the way that Yuuri had grown to hate. “I have more gold medals than I know what to do with. I’ve been winning nothing but gold since I was 22.” 

Yuuri stared at Viktor, his fist clenched tight at his side. Where was Viktor going with this? Yuuri _knew_ that, he knew better than anyone of Viktor’s streak of gold medals, and the bronze that had dirtied it because of Yuuri. Because of Viktor’s distraction with him.

“Do you know my happiest moments with medals, Yuuri?” Viktor asked. Yuuri swallowed, and Viktor didn’t wait for him to say anything before he continued, “When we won silver in Barcelona. When you won gold in Korea.”

“You got _bronze_ in Euros, Vitya,” Yuuri snapped and Viktor’s jaw tightened, a hurt expression passing over his face as he stepped away, almost unconsciously. Yuuri regretted his words the moment he had said it, and he winced. The ‘Vitya’ had somehow slipped past his lips too, and the fact that it had after he insulted his ex-fiancé… Fuck. Yuuri was so stupid. 

“I’m sorry for disappointing you,” Viktor said, and there are tears brimming in his eyes now. “But just so you know Yuuri, I was happier with my performance then than my performance today.”

“Just _go_ , Viktor.”

 

\--

 

_January 12, 2017_

“Just _go_ , Viktor, I swear, I can’t handle this right now.”

Viktor’s jaw tensed, and there was so many things he could snap back at Yuuri right now, but none of them were good, and none of them he really meant. Yuuri never fucking wanted to talk about their problems, Viktor didn’t understand why Yuuri kept doing this.

“I’m so tired of this,” Viktor grit out. “I’m so tired of fighting.”

“Then leave!” Yuuri yelled, his face splotchy and red and unattractive. Viktor swallowed down his anger and his hurt. He took in a deep breath, and released it. He could do this. Viktor was good at pretending. Yuuri needed him to be understanding and calm, and if that’s what Yuuri needed, then that’s what Viktor was going to be.

“I’m sorry,” Viktor said.

“It’s fine,” Yuuri automatically replied. “I just, I need some time alone, but it’s fine, I’ll be over it by the time you come back.”

See, Viktor knew that was a lie. Viktor knew that when he’d come back, Yuuri would just pretend that it didn’t matter anymore when both of them knew that it still did.

But all Viktor could do right now was leave, and give them both time to cool down.

He’ll come home to dinner and a smile on Yuuri’s face that didn’t quite reach his eyes. They won’t talk about what they were arguing about again. As usual.

It had been building up the past few days, but Viktor was tired. He was tired of fighting and he was tired of trying to train for his own programs and train Yuuri at the same time to make sure that they both gave their best performance. So much people thought that Viktor was all talent, but Viktor had put hours and hours and years of work to get this good, and he had sacrificed so much to get to this point. He had sacrificed so much of his life and love to be where he was now, and yet, Viktor wasn’t willing to sacrifice Yuuri and what they had.

There were times that Viktor regretted his decision to coach and compete at the same time, especially when it brought about fights between him and Yuuri and it was draining. Viktor knew it would be hard, but he didn’t expect it to be this hard.

But yet.

Viktor would rather be tired and lose his medals rather than lose Yuuri. Viktor just had to focus on Yuuri and make sure he was happy, and everything would be fine. They would be fine. All he had to do was make Yuuri happy and if that meant giving things up, then Viktor would give things up.

_Stop lying to yourself._

 

\--

 

_April 1, 2017_

“Stop lying to yourself! Are you seriously telling me you weren’t sad you didn’t win gold during Euro’s?”

“Fine!” Viktor snapped, “It sucked! I was sad! But I was _happy_ too Yuuri, I was happy to skate a program about you!”

 “It’s okay to be sad! It doesn’t always have to be about me, Viktor.” Yuuri said as he regarded Viktor pleadingly.

“See, you say that,” Viktor said slowly, “But I don’t think you believe it yourself. ‘ _It’s okay to be sad_ ’? You don’t even let yourself be sad. You bottle up all your feelings and that never works! All it does is blow up in both our faces!”

“I just don’t want to fight with you about things that don’t matter! I shouldn’t be feeling them, they’re stupid!” Yuuri argued defensively and Viktor grit his teeth, jaw tensing.

“ _You_ matter. Your feelings matter and your feelings are valid, even if you think they’re stupid. I just want you to be honest with me,” Viktor stressed and Yuuri released a long breath, trying to hold back his tears.

"Why didn't you fight for me?" he asked shakily and Viktor gave him an incredulous stare, but still so, so soft.

"You said you weren't happy," Viktor breathed out and a wave of tears hit Yuuri as he gasped out a sob despite how hard he tried to hold it in. "All I ever wanted was for you to be happy," Viktor continued brokenly and _god,_ wasn't that everything Yuuri wanted? For _Viktor_ to be happy?

“If being with me didn’t make you happy, then... maybe it’s for the better if you weren’t with me.”

All he managed to do was just hurt them both so much more and break them even farther. Yuuri couldn't even fucking do this right.

"Did you want me to fight for you?" Viktor asked uncertainly, "Beg you to take me back? I could and I would."

"No!"

Viktor pulled back, almost as if he was burned and Yuuri wiped away his tears angrily. "I don't know," he sobbed and Viktor's expression seized, painfully open. Viktor reached out for him and Yuuri flinched.

Viktor's hand froze in the air and Yuuri watched it until it dropped down slowly. His heart seized in his chest but Yuuri resisted from throwing himself at Viktor.

"I just wanted _you_ to be happy," Yuuri said and Viktor was silent.

“Sometimes I have days where I’m empty, and I feel nothing inside, and I thought you could fix that. I thought you could fix _me_ , and for awhile you did. I just… I never felt much before you, Yuuri. You gave me life and love and a reason to keep living--”

“I can’t fix you, Vitya!" Yuuri cried out, because he couldn’t listen to this, he couldn’t take this anymore. The silence after his outburst was deafening, and Yuuri shook his head as he said, much quieter this time, "And you can’t fix me."

“ _I know!”_ Viktor yelled back, and Yuuri’s mouth snapped shut. He stared at Viktor with wide eyes as Viktor’s shoulders heaved with a heavy intake of breath. “I know that now, but you can’t do this alone! You always do this, Yuuri!”

Yuuri stared at him in betrayal, his chest aching. Why was Viktor turning this on him as if it was his fault? Viktor cursed, and pressed a hand to his face before he inhaled. Yuuri watched him, and it was like a coil was wrapped around his ribs, ready to suffocate him.

Viktor looked up, his gaze heavy and dark, a tangible thing on Yuuri.

"Why won't you let me help you?" Viktor begged, his eyes mournful and seeking and so, so lost. His voice dripped with a visceral desperation and Yuuri couldn't do anything but look away.

His hands trembled and his vision swam as he blinked in vain against the tears brimming in his eyes. He choked back the incoming sobs and wrapped his arms around himself, clutching onto his sweater. Yuuri heard rather than saw Viktor coming and when Viktor was standing in front of him, Yuuri squeezed his eyes shut.

"Can I hug you?" Viktor whispered, and held out his arms tentatively. It was a gesture so achingly familiar, a throwback to their earlier days of Viktor waiting after a skate, arms outstretched and ready to wrap Yuuri in his arms. 

And like always, Yuuri couldn't stop himself from stepping into Viktor's embrace and melting into it.

Yuuri reached up to clutch at the back of Viktor's coat, pressing his nose to the sweat-slick skin of Viktor's neck. He breathed in the still familiar scent of Viktor's cologne and something else that was undeniably Viktor at its base. He was vaguely aware that his tears were soaking into Viktor's shirt and that he hadn't let himself cry like this in front of Viktor since before the pre-skate during the Cup of China.

“I missed you,” Yuuri choked out and Viktor’s grip tightened around him.

“ _I missed you too_ ,” Viktor confessed. “More than anything.”

There was a difference between fixing someone, and being there for them and supporting them.

“You’re always trying to help me, but who helps you?” Yuuri whispered. Viktor stiffened and Yuuri hiccuped slightly.

“I don’t need help,” Viktor denied automatically and Yuuri shook his head adamantly as he pressed his lips together into a thin line.

“You--you focus so much on me that you neglect yourself and I don’t want that. I’m happy if you’re happy, and if you’re _ruining_ yourself just to make things easier for me, then I can’t handle that, Vitya,” Yuuri whispered. “You think I don’t notice all the times you push me away? I do and it hurts.”

“I’m sorry… I’m sorry for not letting myself ask for your help. I, I can’t say that I’ll always be able to ask you for help, but I’ll try. I promise,” Viktor said quietly. Yuuri sighed and pressed a light kiss to Viktor’s neck before he pulled away to look at Viktor.

“Tell me what you need from me,” he said.

“You avoid problems like it’s a plague, Yuuri,” Viktor told him seriously and Yuuri wanted to deny it, but he couldn’t. “You never tell me when I upset you, and I can’t read your mind. You have to tell me if I’m hurting you. Please. Talk to me.”

Yuuri looked away and considered that.

“I… I’ll try. I’m sorry for keeping things from you, even if I thought it was the right thing to do.”

They were quiet and Yuuri swallowed down his fear. He licked his lips and said slowly, hesitantly, “Would you want to try again?”

“ _Yes_ , god yes.” Viktor said immediately and a laugh escaped Yuuri. A halting, shaky laugh drenched with tears, but still a laugh nonetheless.

“It’s never going to be the same. We can’t just go back to how it used to be,” Yuuri said quietly, thoughtfully.

“That’s good,” Viktor murmured. “We’ll be better this time.”

Yuuri grabbed Viktor’s hands between his and exhaled nervously.

“I can’t promise you forever Vitya. I can’t deny that we might fight again, or that we won’t break up again and this time it’ll be for real,” Yuuri said quietly. Viktor stared at him, and there was no hurt in his eyes, nothing that made Yuuri nervous. There was only a quiet understanding that Yuuri could never find from anyone else.

“But I can promise you I’ll try.”

Viktor smiled. Tears started to slip down his cheeks, but Yuuri hardly even noticed them when Viktor brought him into a sweet, gentle kiss.

“Promise.”

Loving didn’t mean forgetting, but love did mean you forgive. Yuuri didn’t want to rewind time and go back to before they started fighting, because then he wouldn’t have learned. Their time apart had only reminded Yuuri of all the reasons why he loved Viktor. Neither of them were perfect, and neither of them would _ever_ be perfect, but their jagged edges fit together and healed together. This wasn’t going to be the last time they fought, and they were eventually going to make mistakes and hurt each other again, no matter how much they didn’t want to. But this time, they had learned.

This time, Yuuri would love Viktor right. He’d love _himself_ right.

The only cure for hurt was love, and Yuuri and Viktor?

They had plenty of love.

 

\---

 

 _December 26, 2016_  

They had plenty of love. Too much love, if you were to ask Yurio.

“Yuuri!” Viktor cheered as he jumped towards his fiancé. Yuuri caught him easily and Viktor pressed kisses to his face. Yuuri giggled and tilted his head to press their lips together.

“Makkachin or Viktor? Who knows, no one can tell,” Yuri said flatly. “Katsudon, when you finally break up with this idiot, take the dog with you.”

“No, no. We’re in this forever, we’re never ever going to break up. We’re going to grow old together and adopt a hundred dogs and perform in ice shows until we’re 80,” Viktor claimed confidently.

Yuuri smiled shyly and pressed his face on Viktor’s shoulder.

“Promise?” He muttered into Viktor’s neck.

“Promise.”

**Author's Note:**

> my [tumblr](https://gia-comeatme.tumblr.com)
> 
> a list of amazing people:
> 
> \- [FullmetalChords](http://archiveofourown.org/users/FullmetalChords/pseuds/FullmetalChords) for a great ace Yuuri character study + birthday gift that [y’all should read](http://archiveofourown.org/works/11199141) AND ALSO FOR BEING AN AMAZING HUMAN BEING AND EDITING THIS. :(( thank u for dealing w my inconsistent tenses  
> \- [LittleLostStar](http://archiveofourown.org/users/LittleLostStar) and [spookyfoot](http://archiveofourown.org/users/spookyfoot) for helping me with song choices (and also, spooky for an amazing, hilarious [bar AU](http://archiveofourown.org/works/11214093) birthday gift)  
> \- my bf who helped rehash old hurts and convos for the sake of this fic  
> \- [Ladyofthefl0wers](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Ladyofthefl0wers/pseuds/Ladyofthefl0wers) for the [moodboard](https://gia-comeatme.tumblr.com/post/161826379860/shemakesmeforget-once-you-go-greek-by) she made for my frat AU, [once you go greek.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/10821237#main)


End file.
